Why GOD Created Children (and in the process, grandchildren)

To those of us who have children in our lives, whether they are our own, grandchildren, nieces, nephews, or students...here is something to make you cuckle.
Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to His own children.
After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing he said was "DON'T!"
"Don't what?" Adam replied.
"Don't eat the forbidden fruit." God said.
"Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit? Hey Eve...we have forbidden fruit!"
"No Way!"
"Yes way!"
"Do NOT eat the fruit!" said God.
"Why?"
"Because I am your Father and I said so!" God replied, wondering why He hadn't stopped creation after making the elephants.
A few minutes later, God saw His children having an apple break and He was ticked!
"Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit?" God asked.
"Uh huh," Adam replied.
"Then why did you?" said the Father.
"I don't know," said Eve.
"She started it!" Adam said.
"Did not!"
"Did too!"
"DID NOT!"
Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own.
Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.

BUT THERE IS REASSURANCE IN THE STORY!

If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself. If God had trouble raising children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?

THINGS TO THINK ABOUT!

1. You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.
2. Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your own children.
3. Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young.
4. Children seldom misquote you. In fact,they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.
5. The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.
6. We childproofed our homes, but they are still getting in.

ADVICE FOR THE DAY:

Be nice to your kids. They will choose your nursing home one day.

AND FINALLY:

IF YOU HAVE A LOT OF TENSION AND YOU GET A HEADACHE, DO WHAT IT SAYS ON THE ASPIRIN BOTTLE:

"TAKE TWO ASPIRIN" AND "KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN"!!!!!

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rx

Totul e perfect adevarat!!!

If Santa was HONEST...

 

Story 1

 

Dear Santa,

I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy all yeer.

Yer Frend,

BiLLy

 

 

Dear Billy,

Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care.

How about I send you a freekin book so you can learn to read and write? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell!

Santa

 

**********************************************

 

Story 2

 

Dear Santa,

I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody!

Love,

Sarah

 

 

Dear Sarah,

Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they? Tell them to leave me a joint!!

Santa

 

**********************************************

 

Story 3

 

Dear Santa,

I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.

Love,

Teddy

 

 

Dear Teddy,

Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane, do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your frigid mom, who rides his ass constantly? It's time to give up that dream. Let me get you some nice Legos instead.

Santa

 

**********************************************

 

Story 4

 

Dear Santa,

I want a new bike, a Playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba.

Love,

Francis

 

 

Dear Francis,

Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays? I bet you're gay.

Santa

 

**********************************************

 

Story 5

 

Dear Santa,

I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door.

Love,

Susan

 

 

Dear Susan,

Milk gives me the runs and carrots make the deer fart in my face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me a bottle of scotch.

Santa

 

**********************************************

 

Story 6

 

Dear Santa,

What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys?

Your friend,

Thomas

 

 

Dear Thomas,

All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while losing money at the craps table. Hey, you wanted to know.

Santa

 

**********************************************

 

Story 7

 

Dear Santa,

Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know When we're awake, like in the song?

Love,

Jessica

 

 

Dear Jessica,

Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I'm skipping your house.

Santa

 

**********************************************

 

Story 8

 

Dear Santa,

I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE PLEASE could I have one?

Timmy

 

 

Timmy,

That whiney begging *** may work with your folks, but that Crap doesn't work with me. You're getting a sweater again.

Santa

 

**********************************************

 

Story 9

 

Dearest Santa,

We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home?

Love,

Marky

 

 

Mark,

First, stop calling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting your ass whipped at school.

Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a low-rent apartment complex.  Third, I get inside your pad just like all the burglars do, through your bedroom window.

Sweet Dreams,

Santa

 

 

 

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

---

rx

Hahhaaaaaaaaaa, Rox,hahhaaaaaaaaaa, ia uite ce face fata asta in loc sa-si vada de ale ei!

Muahhhhhh! Frumos!

---

Ho sentito un vuoto dentro di me ed un senso di paura mentre il buio delle nuvole era ancora intorno a me.
Poi all'improvviso, sotto di me, un'oceano di luci:cosi tante in una volta sola,non le avevo viste mai:
La Citta degli Angeli

Shhh...mergem pe shestache...sa presupunem ca eram in pauza de masa

---

rx

Ah, da???? Daca-i pe asa, baga mare si mai provideaza niste rasete pe aici!

---

Ho sentito un vuoto dentro di me ed un senso di paura mentre il buio delle nuvole era ancora intorno a me.
Poi all'improvviso, sotto di me, un'oceano di luci:cosi tante in una volta sola,non le avevo viste mai:
La Citta degli Angeli

Okaaaay...here we go again!

 

25 SIGNS YOU HAVE GROWN UP

01. Your houseplants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.

02. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.

03. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

04. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.

05. You hear your favorite song in an elevator.

06. You watch the Weather Channel.

07. Your friends marry and divorce instead of "hook up" and "breakup."

08. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.

09. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."

10. You're the one calling the police because those %&@# kids next door won't turn down the stereo.

11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.

12. You don't know what time ! Taco Bell closes anymore.

13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.

14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers.

15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.

16. You take naps from noon to 6 PM.

17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.

18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.

19. If you're female, you go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.

20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."

21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.

22. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again."

23. 90% of the time you! spend in front of a computer is for real work.

24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.

25. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you and can't find one to save your sorry old butt.

---

rx

O sa te dezamagesc sau nu, da` m-am regasit in multe pe acolo, asta inseamna ca n-am trecut puntea,huh?:))

Iar treaba cu jeansu` si sweateru` e la ordinea zilei la mine, deci sunt tot pushtoaica! PLus,plus,plus....

---

Ho sentito un vuoto dentro di me ed un senso di paura mentre il buio delle nuvole era ancora intorno a me.
Poi all'improvviso, sotto di me, un'oceano di luci:cosi tante in una volta sola,non le avevo viste mai:
La Citta degli Angeli

Hehehee Justinia...pe de o parte ma bucur pentru tine ca nu ai trecut puntea, dar pe de alta inseamna ca am o competitoare acerba.  Pacat ca suntem pe un forum public, ca altfel ne luam la intrecere in nazbatii.

---

rx

Try me, girlie!

Anything new?

---

Ho sentito un vuoto dentro di me ed un senso di paura mentre il buio delle nuvole era ancora intorno a me.
Poi all'improvviso, sotto di me, un'oceano di luci:cosi tante in una volta sola,non le avevo viste mai:
La Citta degli Angeli

Inca una...muncesc in draci azi...shhhhh don't tell mama

 

THE WASH CLOTH

There is not a woman alive today who won't crack up over this!

I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist later in the week.

Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor's office to tell me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am. I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45 am. The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn't have any time to spare.

As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort. So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pajamas, wet the washcloth that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in "that area" to make sure I was at least presentable. I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment.

I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when I was called in. Knowing the procedure, as I'm sure you do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that I was in Paris or some other place a million miles away. I was a little surprised when the doctor said, "My, we have made an extra effort this morning, haven't we?" I didn't respond.

After the appointment, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of the day was normal... some shopping, cleaning, cooking, etc.
After school when my 6 year old daughter was playing, she called out from the bathroom, "Mommy, where's my washcloth?"
I told her to get another one from the cupboard.
She replied, "No, I need the one that was here by the sink, it had all my glitter and sparkles saved inside it."

---

rx

Si pentru ca azi tot Vineri este...

Vecinii lui Bula au un nou nascut. Din nefericire acesta s-a nascut fara urechi. Cand familia lui Bula este invitata la vecini pt. a vedea copilul, tatal lui Bula il ia de-o parte si-i explica:
- Copilul asta este marea lor bucurie, il doresc de mult! Daca spui ceva despre urechile lui te bat de te rup!
- Am inteles, zice Bula.
Cand ajung in casa vecinilor si dau cu ochii de copil, Bula zice entuziasmat mamei  copilului:
- Vai ce copil frumos!
Mama rasufla usurata. Bula continua:
-Ce manute dragalase, ce picioruse frumoase...si ce ochi frumosi! Ce-a  zis doctoru`, vede bine?
Mama:
- Da, vede bine, de ce intrebi?
-  Pentru ca daca va trebui sa poarte ochelari, a belit-o!

Sotia proaspat iesita de la dus, se plânge ca are sânii prea mici. Sotul, citind ziarul ii spune fara a-si ridica ochii din ziar:
EL : - Daca vrei sa-ti creasca sânii, ia o bucata de hârtie igienica si freac-o între ei câteva secunde în fiecare zi.
Femeia se duce repede, ia o bucata de hârtie si se apuca sa o frece între sâni.
EA: - În cât timp o sa-mi creasca?
EL: - Va dura câtiva ani!
Sotia se opreste.
EA: - De unde stii tu ca daca frec o bucata de hârtie igienica între sâni, acestia o sa îmi creasca în câtiva ani?
EL: - Cu fundul a mers, nu-i asa?

Dupa cativa ani de casnicie,saturandu-se sa se tot certe, un cuplu se hotaraste sa apeleze la un consilier. Cand ajung la cabinetul consilierului, acesta ii intreaba direct:
- Care este problema?
Imediat, sotul face o fata lunga si se aseaza pe scaun fara a spune nimic. Sotia incepe sa vorbeasca non stop, descriind problemele casatoriei. Dupa ce o asculta 5, 10, 15 minute, consilierul se apleaca peste ea, o ia de umeri, o saruta pasional, si o   lasa inapoi pe scaun. Dupa aceasta, sotia statea intr-un colt, muta de   placere. Consilierul se uita la sot, care se uita si el la ei, fara   sa-i vina a crede.
Consilierul ii spune:
- Sotia dvs. are NEVOIE de asta de cel putin doua ori pe saptamana!
Sotul se scarpina si raspunde:
- Pai as putea sa o aduc aici in fiecare marti si joi.

Ion iese din casa si il vede peste gard pe vecinul lui, Marin, care isi batea temeinic nevasta.
- Marine, ce faci, ma?
- Iote, imi repar masina de spalat!

Intr-o zi, vine Bubulina de la cinematograf plangand in hohote:
- A fost ingrozitor mama, se plange Bubulina. A trebuit sa-mi schimb locul de patru ori la cinematograf.
- De ce, draga? S-a legat vreun barbat de tine?
- Pana la urma... da.

Un copilas ii scrie lui Mos Craciun:
- Trimite-mi un fratior.
Mos Craciun raspunde:
- Trimite-mi-o pe maica-ta!

Doi indieni mergeau prin padure cand la un moment dat se vede in zare fumul ce se ridica de la un foc.
Primul spune:
- Ce spune mesajul ?
- Nimic important, sunt doar reclame.

---

rx

Profesoara: - Cine se crede prost sa se ridice in picioare...la care un elev s-a ridicat Profesoara: -Mai, tu chiar esti prost?
Elevul: -Nu, dar mi-a fost mila sa va las doar pe d-voastra in picioare

 
Un tip intra intr-o farmacie. Multa lume, inghesuiala.
- Nu va suparati, va rog sa ma lasati sa intru in fata ca am pe cineva la pat.
Oamenii cumsecade ii fac loc si ajunge la ghiseu.
Tipul se apleaca la ghiseu si spune:
- Ma grabesc foarte tare ca am pe cineva la pat. Va rog sa-mi dati 3 prezervative

 

Replici de tinut minte:

- O zi fara Dvs. e ca o luna de concediu.
- Daca v-am jignit, am savurat-o.
- Dvs. reusiti sa faceti pe cineva sa aprecieze linistea.
- Fiecare trebuie sa existe, dar de ce tocmai Dvs.?
- De ce nu mergem noi doi undeva unde poate fiecare sa fie de unu' singur?
- Am avut o seara foarte placuta. N-a fost seara asta, dar nu ma vait.
- Bancul pe care vi-l voi povesti acuma e asa de bun ca va pica tzatzele...oh, vad ca il cunoasteti deja...
- Nu v-au rugat niciodata parintii sa fugiti de-acasa?
- Eu nu uit niciodata un chip, dar in cazul Dvs. o sa fac o exceptie...
- Oare este astazi o zi deosebita sau sunteti de obicei asa de tampit??
- Data viitoare cand ai de gand sa-ti arunci toalele, nu te dezbraca.
- Nu, eu nu aud rau...va ignor numai.
- Va rog sa nu va miscati! As vrea sa va uit asa cum sunteti...
- Sunteti intr-adevar un argument convingator pt. paturi separate.
- Tu ai arata foarte bine in ceva lung, curgator...Amazon, Nil, Dunare...
- Sunteti la fel de binevenit ca si telefonul care suna in timpul sexului.
- Peste 2 minute vine tramvaiul. Poti sa te arunci in fata lui.

---

rx

roxana wrote:

Replici de tinut minte:

- Daca v-am jignit, am savurat-o.
- Sunteti intr-adevar un argument convingator pt. paturi separate.

Curat murdar!

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Ho sentito un vuoto dentro di me ed un senso di paura mentre il buio delle nuvole era ancora intorno a me.
Poi all'improvviso, sotto di me, un'oceano di luci:cosi tante in una volta sola,non le avevo viste mai:
La Citta degli Angeli

Acum doua saptamani a fost ziua mea. Cand m-am trezit dimineata nu ma simteam prea bine dar speram ca sotia o sa-mi cante "Multi ani traiasca..." si eventual o sa-mi dea un cadou, dar ea nu mi-a zis nici macar buna dimineata... Copiii si ei s-au asezat la micul dejun fara sa ma felicite.
Am ajuns deprimat la birou, cand am intrat pe usa, secretara plina de euforie mi-a zis "La multi ani!"...
M-am simtit un pic mai bine, macar ea si-a adus aminte de ziua mea...
Am lucrat normal si spre dezamagirea mea nimeni din prieteni sau rude nu m-a sunat sa ma felicite. Aproape de pranz secretara a intrat la mine in birou si mi-a zis: " Ce ar fi sa mergem sa mancam impreuna " I-am raspuns ca e cea mai buna propunere pe care am auzit-o in toata ziua si am acceptat.
Am ales un restaurant intim unde am mancat bine, am baut si ne-am distrat de minune. In masina, in drum spre birou, ea mi-a zis: "Intr-asa o zi speciala de ce sa ne mai intoarcem la birou, mai bine Vino la mine acasa si continuam sa ne distram!"... "Bine!" am zis "hai, si asa mai bem cate un paharel"...
Odata ajunsi in apartamentul secretarei mi-a zis: "Sper ca nu te deranjeaza daca am sa ma simt mai 'comoda' "... "Nuuuu, nici o problema" i-am raspuns, iar in sinea mea ma gandeam ca o sa fie o experienta interesanta....Ea a intrat in dormitor si dupa cateva clipe a iesit........ cu un un tort imens cu lumanari, urmata de sotia mea, copiii, prieteni si rude, care cantau in cor "La multi ani!" ...iar eu stateam ca un idiot in ***' gol, in mijlocul sufrageriei...
Asta e motivul pentru care am dat-o afara pe secretara...

Cu sentimentele mele nu se joaca!!!

***************************

Un tigan si un roman isi fac case una langa alta. Isi cumpara exact aceleasi materiale, mobila, etc si au facut casele identice. Peste un timp stau ei de vorba. romanul:
- Eu daca vand casa asta probabil o sa primesc 5 mil euro pe ea.
Tiganul:
- A pai daca e asa, eu primesc 7 mil de euro pe ea.
- Pai cum sa primesti tu 7 mil euro pe ea daca a mea este identica si valoreaza 5 mil euro?
- Pai da, dar eu nu am vecini tigani!

***************************

Intr-o zi o soacra s-a gandit sa vada cat de mult tin generii ei la ea..
Intr-o zi s a aruncat in piscina.. vine generele cel mic si o salveaza.. a doua zi acesta gaseste in fata casei lui o dacie si mesajul `bine faci, bine gasesti: mama soacra`
Urmatoarea zi se arunca iar.. al doilea ginere o salveaza si el... la fel si acesta gaseste o dacie in fata casei lui... cu acelasi mesaj.
Urmatoarea zi se arunca iar... insa al treilea ginere nu o salveaza, lasand o sa se inece... urmatoarea zi gaseste un mercedes si mesajul `bine faci, bine gasesti: tata socru`!

***************************

Americanii au inventat un computer medical foarte performant. Doctorii o cam bagasera pe maneca: Asta ne ia painea de la gura!
Unul din doctori, mai smecher de felul sau, le spune celorlalti confrati. Las' ca-i vin eu de hac! Se duce la computer. Acesta intreaba: Ce va doare?. Doctorul spune Ma doare-n cot!. Computerul raspunde: Dati o proba de urina si dupa doua ore pentru rezultat.
Doctorul se duce acasa si urineaza intr-o sticluta, apoi o pune sa faca acelasi lucru si pe nevasta-sa, pe fiica-sa, ba chiar si pe pisica lor. Apoi duce sticluta cu cocktailul de urina la computer. Dupa doua ore primeste rezultatul: Sotia dvs are sifilis, fiica dvs este gravida in luna a patra, pisica nu are nimic, iar dvs n-o mai frecati in baie, ca-i locul stramt si va loviti la coate!

*************************** 

O blonda se duce la casino si le spune dealer-ilor ca vrea sa parieze 20.000 usd pe un numar, dar ii roaga sa ii permita sa se dezbrace, pentru ca se simte mai norocoasa asa. dealerii n-au nimic impotriva, tipa se dezbraca complet, arunca zarurile si incepe sa topaie de bucurie ca a castigat, ii imbratiseaza, isi ia banii si pleaca. la care unul din dealeri:
- Auzi, tu ai vazut ce zaruri a dat?celalalt:
- Nu, am crezut ca te-ai uitat tu!
Morala: nu toate blondele sunt proaste, dar barbatii sunt tot barbati.

---

rx

Hai sa  ma alatur Roxanei, ca daca e vineri, vineri sa fie!

 

Intr-o dimineata Ion gaseste cocosul mort in curte. Disperat ca nu o sa-imai faca gainile oua pleaca la targ sa-si cumpere un alt cocos. Ajuns in targ vede un cocos superb, mare, infoiat... si-l intreaba pe vanzator :
 - Ma bade, cat costa cocosul aista?
 - 5000 de euro !
 - Ba, da ce face de banii astia !?
 - Pai..  e cocos de lupta, a castigat toate luptele la care a fost...
- Da, de f***t, f**e?
 - Nu
 Mai cauta Ion si gaseste un alt cocos, ceva mai ieftin dar care avea
 acelasi cusur.
 In final gaseste un cocos amarat, pricajit si ciufulit.
 - Cat vrei bade pe cocosul aista ?
 - 50 de euro.
 - OK, da f**e ?
 - F**e tot ce prinde, nene !
 Cumpara Ion cocosul, il duce degraba acasa si-l pune la treaba.
 A doua zi se trezeste Ion si... constata cu stupoare ca tot ce era animal la el in ograda mergea cracanat, f***se cocosul tot. Cocosul, cu roatele-n sus, intins in mijlocul curtii. Un vultur ii dadea tarcoale. Acum Ion
 suparat ca vulturul vrea sa-i omoare comoara de cocos pe care abia-l
 gasise, fuge repede sa-si ia pusca sa omoare vulturul.
 Se apropie pune pusca la ochi si da sa traga, da cocosul, de jos, ii zice
 - Usurel, nu face galagie, lasa-l sa se aseze !

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Ho sentito un vuoto dentro di me ed un senso di paura mentre il buio delle nuvole era ancora intorno a me.
Poi all'improvviso, sotto di me, un'oceano di luci:cosi tante in una volta sola,non le avevo viste mai:
La Citta degli Angeli

---

Ho sentito un vuoto dentro di me ed un senso di paura mentre il buio delle nuvole era ancora intorno a me.
Poi all'improvviso, sotto di me, un'oceano di luci:cosi tante in una volta sola,non le avevo viste mai:
La Citta degli Angeli

Justinia wrote:

Romanul: "Ei bine, saptamina trecuta si eu am facut dragoste cu Maria a
mea. Am
dat-o prin untura, am facut sex si apoi ea a urlat sase ceasuri."

Uimiti, italianul si francezul il intreaba:
- Ce naiba ai putut tu sa-i faci muierii de-a tipat 6 ore?
- Mi-am sters miinile de perdele.

Misto J Il mai stiam cu rochia de mireasa

O batranica statea la usa unei case vrand sa sune la usa, dar nu ajunge. Un tanar care trecea pe acolo se ofera sa o ajute:
- Buna ziua, doamna, um pot sa va ajut?
- Te rooog, tinere, ajuuuta-ma si pe miiine sa suuun la uuuusa.
- Cu mare placere, doamna, raspunde tanarul. Gata, doamna, am sunat. Si acum? Ce facem?
-Acum fugim! raspunde batranica.

 

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rx